After swallowing

A handful of narcotics

After beating

The wall senseless

With my fists

Blood smearing

The white walls

With my angst

I find a rope from

Under the house

And attempt to make

A nice strong noose

Like Popeye the sailor

Hang it up on the pole

In the closet that holds

All my old clothes

And I stand on a box

And put my head through it

And I can feel the strain

The pressure of the

Noose on my throat

Slowly suffocating me

Just like this life does

On a daily basis

I close my eyes

And think about

Who I am and

Who I am not

Who I think I am and

Who I think I am not

Who I have loved

And who I have lost

Who I have hurt

And who has hurt me

Who still loves me

And who does not

Love me anymore

My childhood and all

The pain that came

With not knowing

What was ahead of me

From the moment I

Left my mother’s womb

Debilitating depression

And anxiety and neurosis

My love for poetry

And books and films

And beauty in the

Most hollow places

And my god people

And people

And people

And people

And how they have made

My soul feel so joyous and

Full of one thousand

Schizophrenic butterflies

And how they have made

Me feel like I have fell

Into a garden full of knives

That imitate flowers

Falling heart first

Always falling heart first

I let the noose

Strangle me

For a little while

It becomes harder

Than usual to breathe

I open my eyes and

Release myself and

Fall to the ground

Light a cigarette and

Exhale the smoke

And it stays still

Longer than it

Usually does


The smoke suspended

In front of me

And I know that

It was trying to say,

“Stay a little longer”


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